Why We Need to Forgive Others: How to Let Go and Find Peace Again

Forgiveness is for you, not them

We all know it’s good to forgive others, but why do we find it so difficult?

It’s difficult because we don’t understand it fully. When we know why we need to forgive and how to go about it, it becomes a lot easier.

My mother was good at teaching me the importance of forgiveness, but she didn’t explain what I should do after I had forgiven. It didn’t feel authentic for me to forgive someone and then allow the bad behavior to continue.

So, I studied it further to get a complete understanding of why forgiveness is necessary and what steps I could take to find peace again.

If we blindly follow the advice of those who went before us and the loud voices of society, we will be doomed to a life of slavery. And when we follow that path long enough, ignoring God’s wisdom, we suffer.

God protects us from bad decisions that lead to destructive relationships. If we choose to go our own way, disobeying God, we will suffer.

Of course, some things happen to us without us having anything to do with it. We suffer because of the sins of others. This happens to children a lot. They are the most vulnerable.

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From my experience of growing up in a Christian country and studying forgiveness, I have learned that if you know what to do when you’ve been hurt, you can restore your peace quite quickly.

I wish these things had been explained to me years ago instead of having to tolerate so much unacceptable behavior in my life. We can learn to forgive, but also protect ourselves from further hurt.

I thought I was meant to be nice to everyone. It never occurred to me that most people didn’t care about being good or nice. I was wired or programmed differently, but boy did I suffer from that lack of awareness.

Most people are self-absorbed, so if you expect them to be how you’d like them to be, you will be disappointed.

It’s hard to accept this if you are a person who treats others well, Why can’t people be kind, you ask? Well, that’s for another blog, but the simple answer is sin.

People need to be born again. When we live only to please ourselves and disobey God’s law, we create a harsh world.

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I traveled for six years in Asia and Europe and although I’d love to say how wonderful people are, I have to be honest. I found a lot of selfish people on the journey.

There is a lack of integrity in people nowadays. They don’t keep their word. They say one thing but do another. It’s a mindset that thinks, I am all that matters. ME and my happiness.

This may sound like a contradiction to anyone who follows my work because I talk a lot about happiness and loving yourself. But, it’s a different kind of happiness, where you love others too. If I need to betray another person or lie to get what I want, I do not call that happiness.

True happiness and peace can only come from a life of integrity.

If we don’t care about others, we can never be truly happy. It’s a pseudo-happiness. It’s ego-based, and the happiness these people seek is just about status. It is devoid of love.

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In this article, I take you through the process of forgiveness that has worked for me.

Emotional pain is never nice - but learning how to deal with it is a blessing.

What does the Bible say about forgiveness?

In the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asked Jesus about forgiveness..

“Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

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How to truly forgive others

The first step to forgiveness is awareness. You need to be aware that you are holding something against someone. You once liked them, but now you don’t. Maybe that’s as far as you’ve gone with it.

Or, you don’t think about it much, but when that person comes to your mind, you feel angry, but you do nothing about it, or you avoid them altogether thinking that’s the best way to deal with it.

It’s important to process our negative emotions.

Most people think it doesn’t matter and have learned to push their uncomfortable emotions down by keeping busy or finding comfort in unhealthy habits, or serious addictions. This is denial.

They say it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter. Life goes on. I’m okay or the one I hear nowadays that really annoys me is, “I’m good.” This one says, don’t dare try to get me to talk about such things.

They wear a mask and the happiness they portray to the world is a facade. Beneath the surface, they are harbouring resentments they refuse to address.

When Jesus said we need to forgive seventy times seven, He was saying it is not going to be easy.

Essentially, He is saying, we need to forgive over and over until our peace is restored.

This is why I call it a process because we rarely forgive in an instant.

We need to pray and ask God to lead us through the process.

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We are forgiving for our peace of mind

One of the first wounds we suffer in life is from our parents/caregivers or even teachers. When we were young, one of these people probably let us down or hurt us.

It was difficult as it left us feeling confused. “Aren’t these people meant to love me? Do they not love me? Oh, maybe I was wrong, they don’t love me.”

It’s difficult for a child to process these feelings.

Rather than actively forgiving, a child has no choice but to move on. They don’t know how to forgive and probably don’t even know that they have been wronged. Usually, the child blames himself, saying something like, “I must be bad or unlovable,” and there, the seed of insecurity is planted.

It’s usually quite a few years later when the child grows up and starts to see more normal behaviour being displayed in other families that they then recognize that they had been mistreated.

At this point though, the resentment may have already taken root.

We must decide to forgive those who have hurt us, both in the present and the past, so we can live happy, healthy lives.

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Where to begin to forgive

The first step is to acknowledge it. It is time to feel the pain and hurt again. You will have to look back and see it for what it was and see yourself in the same situation and how you felt. It is sad to process our childhood pain or any deep emotional pain, but it’s the beginning of healing.

You simply have to acknowledge that you were hurt by what they said or did, and you can see that it has caused you a lot of suffering, which has led to anger.

Try to locate that anger/resentment within you.

What does it feel like?

Is it serving you to carry that pain and suffering around with you?

How does it serve you to hold on?

If you hold on to resentment, you are the one who loses your peace. You are not free, as that person still has power over you.

Many people think they are punishing the other person by not forgiving them, but we are only hurting ourselves. Usually, the other person doesn’t give a thought to you or your pain.

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Let go of the myth that forgiveness means you have to return to that relationship

As an adult you have choices. After you forgive, you might think, “But I don’t want them in my life. I don’t trust them.”

This is true, they have lost your trust, and winning your trust back is the price they have to pay for mistreating you. They may never win you back. You can choose. You have control over your heart, and who you give access to it.

It is crucial that you know this. You do not have to share your life (your heart) with these people again. It is up to you to decide how much of, if any, of these people you want in your life.

Maybe they don’t want you to return anyway, now that you are waking up and they can’t use you anymore.

As T.D. Jakes said in a sermon called, Run After Your Destiny:

There are some glorious people whose love is not so fickle that the love fades when the conditions change. But, there are others, he said, when it looks like you’re not a winner and it looks like the love doesn’t pay, they make a withdrawal.

“Most people make a withdrawal when they don’t see a benefit.”

—T.D. Jakes

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This can be very hurtful if you poured sincere love into a person, but they didn’t pour any back and as soon as you were not of use to them, they discarded you.

It’s time to be more aware of who you can trust and forgive those you can’t.

If you want to keep some contact with the person, you can set the terms of that relationship.

You can decide how much time you will give them. When we truly forgive, we can politely deal with them again, but they will sense the coolness in the relationship as your heart will no longer be open to them.

But, if you feel you are simply unable to have any contact with a person or organization that has hurt you deeply, feel free to do that.

The world loves to tell people what to do. But, I believe we need to do what’s right for us. You can always find support from professionals, support groups, or friends who understand.

Let others live how they wish to live. You can’t control them and you certainly can’t change them, so just let it go. Release it. Breathe deeply and say, I am choosing to let it go, I forgive ________ (name the person here).

To have peace, we need to think about the people in our lives and search our hearts for any unforgiveness.

You might wonder, how can I know? But you’ll be surprised how easy it is if you sit quietly and ask yourself, “Who have I not forgiven?”

Pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you.

When I sit down to do this, it always amazes me how quickly a name pops into my head. It’s like God is sitting there saying, “I thought you’d never ask.”

And when the name comes to you - trust that this is now the right time to deal with it.

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Was it intentional or unintentional?

This makes a difference when choosing to forgive. Did the person or people involved know what they were doing?

If they didn’t intentionally set out to hurt you, I think it can be easier to let go. Maybe because of their own stresses in life, they dismissed you, neglected you, or said something hurtful.

But, when someone is just being mean, it isn’t as easy to forgive because it’s an evil act to intentionally hurt someone.

I don’t know why people do this. I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally set out to hurt someone. It baffles me.

It takes a real act of love and compassion to say, “Okay, maybe that person suffered a lot in life or they are very insecure.”

However, they must be held accountable.

If they decide to ask for your forgiveness, you should discuss it with them rather than just saying, “It’s okay.”

Ask them questions. Why did they act that way?

Then, you have to decide whether or not you feel that person deserves another chance.

Again, this is your choice. You don’t have to, and you do not have to feel guilty if you choose not to continue the relationship.

For me, if someone intentionally sets out to hurt me, I usually let the relationship go.

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Forgiving ourselves

The next piece in letting go of resentment and finding peace again is to forgive ourselves. We tend to blame ourselves.

We somehow think because the relationship is not working and we are trying hard to make it work and failing over and over again, we are to blame.

We fail to recognize that the other person may not be doing any work in the relationship. You are carrying the load of it all.

How can you know this?

The best and easiest way to know if you are in an unbalanced relationship is to stop putting in any effort.

Stop texting, stop e-mailing, stop calling, stop doing things for them. Basically, stop giving. You will soon see if they care.

Sadly, in some cases, there will be silence. They will do nothing, give nothing and the relationship will dissolve. You will have exposed, what Cloud and Townsend refer to in the book, Boundaries, as a “non-relationship.”

But, isn’t it better to know, so you can forgive and move on?

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You felt manipulated

You may need to forgive yourself for allowing others to manipulate you. This is something I had to work on as I had been kind to others which made me vulnerable to selfish people.

They would take advantage of my kindness and use me for their own purposes. It took me a long time to see it, and when I finally woke up, I had to deal with the resentment that had built up in me.

I had been treated badly, and I felt resentful, but really I was angry with myself for allowing it to happen.

Thankfully, through education and the support of others, I was able to forgive myself and those who had manipulated me.

I am now much quicker at spotting people like that. When they try their tricks on me, I quickly let them go and find people who treat me with the same love and respect that I show to them.

Final thought—

You can be free from resentment, and find peace, joy, and freedom again.

All you have to do is forgive.

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Last week I shared about a bad experience I had. I quickly put to work all that I had learned over the years and thankfully I now have real friends I can turn to when difficult things happen.

But, I always have God who knows how to comfort me and lead me forward. I was determined not to let the anger fester in me. I expressed all my concerns to the right people and also prayed to God.

I found ways to deal with the problem. I found a solution that I can live with and accept. My peace has returned.

I pray we can all learn to deal with unforgiveness and enjoy the peace and joy of being free In Christ.

Jesus said, we will have troubles, but in Him, we may have peace.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Have a blessed week!

Órla

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