Forgiveness and Reconciliation: What to Do If Someone You Love Has Hurt You Deeply and Broken the Trust Between You?
Reconciliation is not mandatory for forgiveness to happen
Hi everyone,
Welcome to Cruthú Nua!
This is my third post on forgiveness. I didn’t want to skim through it, as that’s what people often try to do - minimize the hurt, the pain, and the broken relationships. The more we try to avoid dealing with the problems in our relationships, the more we suffer.
We must face our hurts so God can reveal the damage that has been done. It takes courage to face our reality, but healing can only occur when we do this.
Many people get confused about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I was one of those people. I was afraid that if I forgave my offender, I would have to let down my guard and risk being hurt again. It didn’t feel safe or wise.
In this article, I explain what forgiveness and reconciliation are, and how to move through the process of forgiveness.
What is forgiveness?
“Forgiveness is giving up resentment against someone and our right to get even no matter what has been done to us. It is the surrendering of my right to hurt you back.”
Dr. Charles Stanley
What is reconciliation?
“An end to a disagreement or conflict with somebody and the start of a good relationship again.”
Oxford Learner’s Dictionary
Why we need to forgive others
The main reason for forgiving others is for your peace of mind and happiness.
You are being set free from anger, bitterness, malice, hostility, rage, and a bad attitude. Unforgiveness is ugly.
Forgiveness is a gift of God as we need God’s help to forgive.
This is why it’s called a spirit of unforgiveness.
Whoever it is you need to forgive – if it still hurts you or affects the quality of your life, then it is in your best interest to take the time to reflect on your relationship(s) or situation and decide what to do about it.
Remember, forgiveness is always about you and not the person who hurt you.
It’s about you finding peace, joy, and freedom.
How do I forgive someone? Do I have to go to them?
No, you do not have to go to your offender to forgive them. Forgiveness is between you and God.
God knows the truth. He knows you were hurt and that it was unjust. You don’t have to go to that person because the problem now is with you, in your heart.
If you are still angry at that person or having conversations in your head about what you’d like to say to them, then perhaps you haven’t forgiven them yet.
Confess to God for holding onto resentment and hurt which separated you from God and others.
When we’ve been hurt, it makes it difficult to trust God and others again.
Is that it?
Well, it’s the first step. The anger may come back again. You may not ever forget what happened and that’s ok.
In fact, it’s better not to forget because now you know how bad people can be. You learned something. You learned to guard your heart.
You will feel more at peace when you have truly forgiven the person who hurt you.
Your goal now is to move on with your life.
See my blog, Dealing With Life’s Hurts: 10 Ways to Face the Past and Move On.
We are all different so we will approach this delicate process of forgiveness in different ways, but we must acknowledge the hurt.
Do not minimize, rationalize, or justify it in any way.
For example, some people who don’t want to face the uncomfortable task of dealing with their pain may say, ‘Well they didn’t mean it’, or ‘Maybe I’m overreacting or I’m too sensitive.’
Don’t do this. Feel the hurt and ask yourself, ‘What is this doing to me?’
Can you forgive someone, yet not be reconciled?
The simple answer is yes – you can forgive and not be reconciled to that person. Reconciliation is not mandatory for forgiveness to happen.
This is the central point of this article. I want to make it clear that after you have forgiven someone, you (the offended) can now choose how things will be in the future.
How are you going to move forward? Just because you have forgiven them, it does not mean it is safe for you to be close to them again.
The offended person is usually a good person who wants to have loving relationships. but it’s not good if they choose to put themselves in harmful situations over and over again.
If this is you, it might be time to set some boundaries in that relationship.
There are other issues involved here which I won’t go into now, but often the offended person has self-esteem issues so they don’t know how to stand up for themselves. They may even suffer from co-dependency or some other mental disorder.
How reconciliation works
It takes two people for reconciliation to take place.
The offender needs to be convicted in their heart (by God) that they have done wrong. They unjustly hurt someone who trusted them.
They must feel genuine remorse for what they did to the offended and seek to put it right.
Counselor, Patrick Doyle of Veritas Counseling says, four things have to happen for reconciliation to work.
4 things have to happen for reconciliation to work
#1. The offender is convicted of their wrong
#2. The offender repents to God
#3. The offender confesses their wrongdoing to the offended
#4. The offender asks for forgiveness
After the offender has gone through this process, it is up to the offended to decide how they would like the relationship to move forward.
Often the relationship takes on a whole new dynamic as there will inevitably be new boundaries put in place.
In the case of divorce or geographical distance, there may be little contact, but at least when there is contact, there will be peace and the offended will feel safer.
But, let’s not romanticize this, it often takes the offender a long time to change their behaviour and the offended a long time to rebuild the trust.
This is the price the offender pays for being disrespectful or abusive. They now have to try to win back the trust of the offended.
Forgiveness is necessary for you to find peace again, but reconciliation is completely different, it’s not a requirement. I went through a long process of forgiveness with someone in my life. I had only one goal in mind and that was to feel happy and at peace within myself - to heal the wounds.
I never dreamed of being reconciled. It wasn’t something I ever thought would happen, but to my surprise, as the years passed, that person started to see the error of their ways and changed.
We were reconciled which was a beautiful gift to me in my life, but I know that does not always happen and does not need to happen either, for you to be happy and at peace.
In my case, the person did not ask for my forgiveness, but I knew they were sorry by their changed behaviour, and that was enough for me to give them a second chance. But, to be honest, it probably would never have happened had I not initiated it.
My desire was to have nothing to do with that person, but God softened my heart and I continued to see them while keeping good boundaries in place.
My boundary was - if they did not speak to me in a respectful way, I would leave, and sometimes I had to do that. This person was not completely transformed, but they did what they could and asked for God’s forgiveness.
The process of forgiveness is not straight forward. It depends on the people involved and the importance of the relationship itself. This is why I recommend staying in prayer, so you will not be alone.
Even though I was reconciled to that person, the love was different from before, maybe because it was wrapped in sorrow and regret, but nevertheless, love has its way of breaking through.
Forgiveness is a choice and reconciliation is a possibility.
Trust God, guard your heart, and do what’s right for you. Peace of mind and happiness are a good outcome to have.
Thank you for reading.
I hope you will be able to let go of any hurt in your life and live freely In Christ Jesus.
I have come to accept that not all relationships can be salvaged, but if we do our part to put things right and forgive, then there is nothing else we can do if they refuse to change. Only God can convict them of their wrongs.
Have a blessed week!
Órla